She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
