Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
