She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
