so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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