Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
