sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
