Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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