I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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