New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
