i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
