I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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