I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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