Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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