So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
