i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
