sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize