Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
