Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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