This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
