he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
my poor anus
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
