I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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