Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she told me i tasted like america
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
