I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
