oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
