There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
