Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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