they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
we should paint friendship bongs
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