There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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