is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
