So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
