I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
ttyl tear gas
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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