How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
