You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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