Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
