I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
