you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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