if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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