just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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