Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
