eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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