1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
