I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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