I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How external is "for external use only"?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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