I think im going to throw up on grandma
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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