I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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