I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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