The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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