Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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