We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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