He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
