I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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