The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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