god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
