Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
