watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
