My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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