Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
