If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
