I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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