Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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