Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
